Dreaming with a broken heart...

I've been lying in bed the last hour or so listening to my iPod sleep mix shuffle. Lots of slow, soft songs to relax me.
One song in particular came on.
I've heard this song a million times before. It's one of my absolute favorite songs by one of my absolute favorite artists, John Mayer. And yes, every time I hear it, I get a little emotional and the possibility of a tear. But not this time. This time, I lost it. Huge tears rolling down my face. I was sobbing uncontrollably.

No, it's not that time, if that's what you're thinking.

I miss him so much. More than I like to admit at times. He was my best friend. One of those friends you have in your life that you just never want to let go of. One who makes you smile, makes you cry. One who always has a shoulder ready for you at the drop of a hat. One who knows just the thing to cheer you up. One who knows all the right buttons to push. But no matter what, one who always loves you for you.

This song I've heard over and over and over, can be applied to almost any person or situation, but tonight, it was for him. I listened to it about 5 times in a row just now. No, not because I was wanting a good cry, but because I was remembering all the good times. And for those 20 minutes of my life, I didn't want to be doing anything else. All I have left are those memories. I can't ever let go, nor do I ever want to. And sometimes I just need to sit there and think back.

There are many things I would do differently towards the end, given the chance, but maybe that's just not how it was supposed to be? Maybe things played out the way they did for a reason. Maybe not. But I definitely would have made more of an effort towards the end. But I guess it's easier saying that now, knowing there was an end. I had many chances to see, talk to him. I was just always too busy when I came home for quick visits. But I have to live with that and at times I do feel a little guilt, but I can't let that control me. And I don't. I struggle with it a little during times like these, but I push on.
I think about him every day that I am alive. Every year on December 15, I think of the day he was born and the birthdays we celebrated in his honor. And every year on July 10, I think of that tragic day when his life abruptly came to an end.
Every time I see his mom, or his brother, or his adorable little daughter, I think of him.
My heart aches every day. But I know that he was a part of my life and if it means dealing with this heartache each and every day, then I will withstand it, because he was that important to me and touched my heart and I was honored to be his friend. It's now been 4 years, and it doesn't get any easier. If anything, it gets harder.

After I heard this particular song tonight, I had to skip forward to listen to another song that so often reminds me of him. My best friend Kristy introduced me to this song when we lived together in NY. She also lost her best male friend, Jesse, unexpectedly. We would both listen to this song many times just thinking about our friends whom we missed dearly.

So Jeremie James Hefner, these songs are for you kiddo.

I miss you "Heifer"
Love, your sister, Taradactyl
XOXO

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
And waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment, you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room
No she's not
Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering if you could stay my love
Will you wake up at my side
No she can't
Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my
Roses in my hands

Would you get them if I did
No you won't
Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
And waking up is the hardest part

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart"
-John Mayer


~~The beauty of a song is the way each person interprets it differently. That's what makes music so magical. ~~



If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.


"The Promise"
-Tracy Chapman